if his love danced in romantic tones and heartfelt song he has no language no words to describe beyond survival and necessity the love he holds in his worn and worried heart - I've had to sense it uncover it It had to be felt. I found meaning outside of the literal interpretations of abrupt speech and long silences. There were no words used wastefully, in spurts of emotional wind he uses no breath excessively. Perhaps romance is for those who have time. He speaks of his first and last love as if she was born of his heart Inseparable intolerable one and the same it is confluence without codependence. I had to learn love in actions in crinkled smiles in lasting impacts of fleeting, fragile emotion. Love existed because they made it so in ways permanent and necessary as the food and drink they offered freely. In his recliner next to her bed they sleep and will sleep because rest escapes him when she is not there.
Chamomile
He tells me its name in his native tongue. I do not understand, at first until I smell its fragrance floral and sweet; subtle. Chamomile. He directs me upstairs in broken English; I pray I understand enough. "Grab a bunch, wrapped in newspaper." There in the attic of the duplex that two brothers made homes, I find the dried stems and flower - Grown in the garden that's fed family for 70 years. I bring down a bundle and she, before she lost herself, stands at the stove, boils a pot of water and places a handful into the simmering water. She makes tea. She makes tea for her and I. I take a sip as her cup sits she will not drink. She watches me and smiles. Now years later chamomile will remind me of them; their home and their garden. How fitting This flower holds many salves it is simple yet honored Its humble and enduring. Chamomile becomes the symbol of my roots.
Creases
He's smiling in the photo soft creases at the corners of his eyes I like to think I was given his smile. This morning I wondered what words i would use to describe him. How his voice, airy with age, greeted me, through that smile and the creases at the corners. He'd say, "we love you." I am grateful, he tried to offer my language of love. What words will tell of the generosity of a man who grew up before he was allowed to be a child? How will I share, fully, the ways he loved and worried in equal parts? He is not verbose ever curious, he holds space for others in conversation. He lacks patience, is quick to anger. But mostly quick to loyalty to his family. He is both mountain and sea Strong and peaceful Stubborn and learning Even when my Nanna forgets who he is and shouts insults, he attempts understanding. "Iola," He'll comfort, "What is it?" She shakes her head and falls behind the wall of her dimentia. He looks at me, creases at the corner of his eyes, "She was such a strong woman. She took care of all of us." Loyal I think I'll say. My grandfather was loyal, and steadfast in his love.
the fawn
I called to make peace, my head both raised and bowed in defense and apology Her words biting and wounded, "I think you're fake," She adds, "You're a fake ass bitch." I politely disagree. I attempt repair. I feel both scorned and pushed away. I feel defeat and self-protection. Years later, I wonder about her words. I decide that, maybe I am. You see, being nice isn’t always the answer. And I’ve learned that the hard way.
on regrets
I didn’t believe them when they said I’d regret; I’d build and we'll grow into twisted and tiny fragments of what came before. When I sit in pause they come to me in bursts and breezes I can regret and accept all in one breath.
butter and jam
At the counter a plate of eggs and sausage act as sides to the main act; Toast homemade jam butter spread thick, without apology As a child she added extra; lined each slice layered and thick Butter was her language of love Enjoy this without worry, her actions said Your body is perfect when its satiated sit here let me feed you I can hear her in every bite I see her hands in each layer I smile when a lot still isn’t quite right It’s only ever enough for her and for me when our hearts are full
or so they say
Isn't it often
told that love
finds us when we
are least expecting it
Like a crash landing
both expected and
surprising
they'll
stretch and look around
in both relief
and gratitude
Left with lingering
anxiety
intertwined with
excitement
I think of this narrative
with a half smile,
a small chuckle.
You see,
I know better than
to allow
or embrace
this serendipitous
storyline
Baby,
I carefully
and backbreakingly
built this ground
for years.
Horizon
Should I leave us
on that shore
with the imperfect shells
under our hardened feet
your hope matching
the aquamarine of
the gentle waves
mine hollow,
hidden
like the sun below
the separation
of sky and sea
(we jumped to
see its final rays
below)
In letting you go
I fear losing
healthy and
consistent
experiences
of love, perceived
(this loss feels paralyzing)
but if we
keep
on that
shore
jumping to see the
sun's descent
If I hold us
in that water
with the steady waves
and unfiltered sun
Perhaps it won't
be a loss at all.
Maybe its
always been
a gain
I'm not there, yet
the finality of
the goodbye
I still hold on
to memories like
they're fallible
like they are
at risk of
slipping away
if I don't focus
hard enough
But soon I know
it's coming;
the sun is setting
behind its
horizon line
and this time
I won't jump
to watch it
fall.
Garage
One night after
a day of
let downs and
all the rest
I parked my car
in its spot;
let the engine run.
I couldn’t
step out
or turn the
engine off.
You came running
down the stairs
to my door.
You reached in,
turned off the car,
guided me out.
I thought maybe
that could be
enough
Fleeting
yet powerful
moments of love.
Temporary
I so badly wanted it
to be you.
It was temporary.
We were, that is.
That made it
no less real.
I sure did
like to pretend,
though.
I held on
just in case
i was proven
wrong.
The Restless Crescent 