doubt

I know she came before

that summer
and the beach
the balcony plants
the orange tree

I understand
you said
you’ve moved on

I’m wondering
if moving on 
for you
means holding 
her space

while I
hold out
my heart

wondering if 
you’ll take it
while giving
your own
to her.

Full

Kisses 
fall to my 
forehead 
to the
crevice of my neck.

"What are you doing?"

I ask,
laughing,
holding his face
between my hands.

"I don't want you to run out."

He kisses my forehead, again.

"Then I need 10 more."

He takes my face in his hands.

"There,"

he responds,
looking satisfied.

"I gave you 12."
I
wonder
about the people

the ones who 
slip off their coat
and place it on the seat
or above
in the train's 
compartment

I 
wonder 
about the
ones who 
keep their coats 
on

the ones who haven't 
yet settled in

the ones who are
ready to leave

I think there's a real difference
between the two.

Polarities

I often
find that with
gratitude 
I experience the
overwhelming belief 
that I am 

undeserving 

and the two 
can seem
contradictory

opposite ends  

both feel
reasonable
and 
irrational
at once

They say things change

I suppose it's true
that
connections and 
friendships 
wax and wane

that
falling in love
and career pursuits
take energy
and 
priority

Still I wonder
or maybe regret.

the
appraisal of life's
needs and 
obligations 
and my own wants 

it's the balance
I have not yet learned

Appetizer

"Can we table this conversation?"

He asks.

Two glasses of red wine
rest between us.
He plays with the stem
with his stable hand.

I do not respond.

I know he cannot
answer what
I want answered.

I look at him,
overcome with
a sorrow
that the blue of his eyes
does not calm.

"This is the first serious
relationship
I've experienced."

He continues,

"I do not want
my life to feel
settled yet."

As I watch his
lips move
I hear
a different narrative
an unsaid message.

He takes a bite
of the appetizer
in front of us.

It's come before
we've ordered
the main course.

I watch as he
enjoys its taste.
He takes another bite.

"What should we order next?"

He asks, excitedly.

Next?

I want to ask.

Isn't this enough?

Explore

"I want to explore the world,
with you,"

He says, imploring.

"I want to explore this city,
together."

He smiles.

I look at him
at his crystal,
calculating eyes.

"My love,"

I want to say.

"There's only one thing
I want to explore
."

Instead I laugh
placing my arms
around his shoulders.

We stay like this
as he rocks side to side
breathing in my hair.

He heads into the bedroom
signaling the end of
the conversation.

"You,"
I whisper
as he disappears
around the corner.