View

 
on your back porch
you do not see mountains
or ocean waves
the town of Falerna
or the promenade to the sea;

there's no distance
or depth
in this view.

I watch you
sitting -
looking out at
the garden you built
on the land that's your own.

Is it the sustenance,
the stability
you see?
Is it the
family
the existence -
life
are you seeing your reflection?

Answers were never
in your words.

I find them
in that small space
within
the tomato stalks
and sunflowers

He looks out
at the plot of land

the one that
offered the grandest of gifts.

I do not tell him in words;
that's not our shared language.

he gave us life
and in return
i lived.

In the next room

In one room
my grandmother begs for peace.
She cries for her mother,
screams in confusion and pain.
 
In the kitchen, he cooks dinner alone.
Smelts, fresh bread, salad, a beer.
I watch my grandfather as he moves
quiet and purposeful.
 
He fries the fish as he holds back tears.
He hears his wife cry out in pain.
His own is angry, frustrated.
He tells me,
 
“this was not supposed to happen.
This is not how I imagined the end.”
 
He sits at the kitchen table
the Steelers’ game plays in front of him
He does not notice me watching
as he drizzles hot sauce on his meal.
 
He turns, sensing me behind him,
tells me to grab a plate.
I do, knowing this is an important offering.
 
He fixes me dinner,
too many smelts than I can stomach,
salad, and bread.
I begin to eat silently next to him
 
This is his language of love.
 
He gets up suddenly
grabs a glass from the cupboard
pours half of his beer in the glass.
He hands it to me.
 
I drink. I take him in.
I say nothing. Because I know
he needs this. He needs me
to be silent with him, to eat
the food he has made
to accept what love
he has left to give.
 
To do something
anything.

Hillside

Bare is the hill we begin our work.
The sun rises, it’s brisk.
He wears sun-bleached jeans
Battered brown work boots
a jean shirt and hat.
He reminds me of his father.
 
I meet him at the crest.
 
“We’ll plant six.”
 
We begin positioning
our shovels, the buckets.
Bags of dirt line the hill’s edge.
I look down to the bottom.
The task feels daunting.
 
We use our shovels and picks
to help navigate our footing
along the incline.
We line up the trees
I look to him to begin.
 
I picture how he will recline
on his worn, brown chair
as he reflects on his day.
He will look to
the hillside.
He’ll know he did what he could.
 
“I’ll start digging.”
 
I watch him.
He uses the tools his
father shared with him.
Dirt caked on the handles
from decades of landscaping.
 
My father
tells me to fill the holes
to hammer in the stakes
to plant the bushes and trees
that soon will adorn his hillside.
 
I carefully observe his process.
His methods are intentional,
techniques from the old country.
 
I mimic the way he breaks ground
His heal on the shovel’s end
the hard dirt breaks.
We strike red clay
Pennsylvania’s bedrock.
 
The sun rises over my father’s land.
I hear him whistle as he works
sweat falls from his brow
his skin tan from a summer
spent planting.
He is his father’s son.
 
Breathlessly, I announce,
 
“We’re finished.”
 
Six trees planted and watered.
My stomach signals its hunger.
It’s noon
I climb to the top.
My thighs burn and ankles itch
from thorn scrapes and bug bites.
 
“Let’s go for 12.”
 
I feel anger rise within me.
He’s never done working.
I look at him
as he drinks water.
He assesses what’s left to finish.
 
I run inside.
Famished, I devour a banana,
some toast.
I consider retreating to my room.
He did say six, after all.
 
I reconsider
I look out the bay window
the one his chair rests beside.
 
He is digging a seventh hole.
I hear the radio play on the patio below.
Motown flows from the speakers.
He smiles as he catches me watching.
 
Resigned, I return to the hillside.
I ask him what’s next.
He tells me what to do.
I finish the job
the way he’s instructed.
 
It’s 3pm when we finish.
We sit under the deck
drinking fresh water.
The radio wanes behind
my father’s breathing;
his satisfaction.
 
“I’ll need to plant the front yard soon.”
 
I take him in
he is already out of this moment
and into the next.
 
Years from now
I will witness my father
sitting in his chair
reading.
He’ll look up once in a while.
He’ll look to the hillside.
 
I head inside to shower.
The sun reaches its peak.
I look out my bedroom window
and see my father.
He’s pushing a wheelbarrow.
 
It’s winter now,
I visit home and find him
sitting in his worn, brown recliner
reading the newspaper.
He smiles when he sees me.
I sit on the arm of the chair
I rest my hand on his shoulder.
 
“Remember when you helped me?”
 
We look over the hillside
 
“I thought you said just six.”
 
He smiles, knowingly
 
“You finished the job with me.”
 
He gazes over his hillside
the one we made our own.
 
We look at each other.
He knows I remember.
 
No longer bare
the trees are growing,
taking space.
Grass covers the land.
We look over the hillside.
He puts his arm around me.
 
I realize now what he sees
as he looks out the bay window.
The trees flourish
the leaves fall with the season’s mourning.
 
He sees us on our hillside.