I lose 10 pounds
cup size B sprouts.
 My butt is flat compared to Rachael’s.
  
 “You like Alec, don’t you?”
  
 I soon learn 
 to confuse kindness
 with flirting
 and flirting
 with withholding.
  
 “You’re a tease.”
  
 I’m 13.
 I do not understand what
 teasing means.
 I was taught to smile 
 and be nice
 when I don’t want to be.
  
 The equation 
 no longer added up.
  
 Hours drained on empty boys.
 Touches and grabs and expectations.
 I plucked and I shaved and waxed
 I burned the skin on my upper lip.
  
 To what purpose
 to interest boys who used me
 to fill their own bodies and minds.
 They drained me as I topped them off.
  
 I was
 caught tangled 
 with men between my legs
filling me with 
 shame,
 dichotomy of the feminine 
 the conservative.
  
 My body
 both me 
 and not me.
  
My breasts grew from birth control
 boys looked at me 
 as curves became their canvas
 to judge.
  
 At 12 blood ran 
 from my underwear
 The aches from my empty womb
  
 “You hooked up with Christian?”
  
 I am 12.
 I do not understand what
 hooking up means.
  
 The male gaze 
 framed me as lovely
until 
 my voice exposed
 what was inside.
  
 I remember 
 becoming more than a body.
  
 “You care more about your career
 than our future.”
  
 At 26 I felt poured out 
 until I was dry
 I had to replenish myself 
 I’ve learned to love my own taste.
  
 I recognize the power of
 kindness
 intentional use of charm
 of beauty
 I have a choice in the version
 I show of me.
  
 At 27 my blood
 holy water – filling 
 Life.